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lately, my mood seems to depend entirely on the weather.


I really truly love the spring.  And the summer.  And I guess fall and winter too.  But especially spring.  It's warm and it is beautiful.  The sky is blue and the grass is green and there are tiny little white flowers popping up everywhere! The jonquils are blooming in the most random locations, in cracks in the sidewalks, as well as scattered around the yards.

I went outside yesterday and laid in the grass for 2 hours in my backyard.  I read a book for a while, and then I laid on my stomach and I looked at the stuff on the ground.  Teeny tiny little insects--ants too small to even determine if they were fully intact, with all their legs, and little flitting bugs that would be stationary one second, and reappear a foot away a second later, without seeming to actually fly.  I closely inspected a clover flower, and looked at each of the tiny little petals, each one perfect and small.  There were violets on the other side of the sidewalk, but in the grass next to me was a scattering of blue flowers that I couldn't identify; they were about the size of a single letter on the screen.  

I love it, I love it! Everything is blooming and everything seems to be happy.  I am wearing less clothing, I have new shorts and new dresses, and a new bathing suit.  Everything is coming back to life after the winter and I feel the same way.  I feel like I am waking up and am alive again, I care about things again and I am excited about my life and my future.  I'm not sure what the future will bring, but I'm not scared--I am excited.  I don't have to do anything, I can do whatever I wish.  My life is only just beginning! And I think the rest of my life will be a huge adventure.  I am reading this book called THE MAP OF LOVE and I love it.  I want to move to Egypt and just exist.  I want to go somewhere exotic and completely alien to me, and absorb all that I can.  I want to learn another language and I want to live with other people.  

I want to go play outside, run around the yard and play barefoot.  There is a man mowing the grass, though, so maybe I should wait until he is done.  What a spectacular day! 

I don't know why I'm in such a good mood! Is it just because of the spring-ness of today? Or is it more? Does it matter?


Mar. 16th, 2007

GD it! I have only 2 of my medicine left, and the school pharmacy is closed during the weekend, which means I HAVE to go to campus today, which is a huge annoying bummer. Going to campus is really a pain in my ass. They just changed the bus schedule, and I don't really want to have to take the bus anyway, if I'm not going to be there very long. Maybe I will drive and just hope I don't get towed away? Or I dunno. ASDKFJASKDJF. I was thinking about just waiting til Monday, but that means I have medicine for today and tomorrow, but I wouldn't have it on Sunday, and then Monday I wouldn't get it until whenever I had time to go to the pharmacy. Which is maybe okay, or it might make me feel weird and stuff, so I dunno. BLAST IT. EFF. This annoys me probably more than it really should.

Mar. 8th, 2007

weirdo phone calls continue! awesome. what amazing luck i have! i need to see if verizon can trace the call, and i need to file a police report.

in other news, i am going to be a hair model in a real fashion show in june (i am missing the may one bc i'll be on my CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE, but i am totally okay with that.) and it looks like i may be paid actual money to be a hair model which is pretty sweet.

Mar. 7th, 2007

Two more days of class then spring break...no big plans or anything, but having a week of just straight relaxation (and working like 3 times) will be so, so nice. cannot wait.

apparently i cannot do all my laundry at the same time, bc then i do not have enough hangers to hang up all my stuff. i either own too much clothes, or not enough hangers.
my grandma died this afternoon
Matthew and I broke up. It sucks majorly and was totally unexpected. We had been discussing going on vacation together this summer one day, and then the next day we break up. Completely out of the blue. I know we both are trying to deal with a lot of personal shit right now and maybe it's better if we try to do it on our own, but it sure seems like right now would be the best time to have someone else to lean on for support. I think there is a chance we will get back together but I really have no idea and I don't want to get my hopes up. It's just that I really loved him and now I don't know what to do, and I don't want to get over him and I don't think that I can.

Yet MORE things to add to my massive depression, right?
my grandma had a massive stroke yesterday morning. she can't move the right side of her body at all, and she can't talk. she was trying to talk last night but she can't at all today. today she isn't responsive.

we don't know what's going to happen, only time will tell. she is 85 though and they don't think she will make a full recovery.

i'm sad and i'm scared.
This weekend was quite tiring. It was good, but a little crazy and stuff.

Matthew's birthday was Friday and then Saturday I drove 270 miles to go to Jamie's engagement party, then Sunday I drove all the way back--less than 24 hours in the mountains. Sheesh. Will write more about my adventures later.

Jan. 5th, 2007

Ick I have to go home tomorrow...totally not looking forward to that 4.5 hour drive across the state. Blargh. Then coming back here on Monday. Seems like a waste of time but whatever.